Some things in life I may never understand. My father passed away years ago of natural causes. Though I miss him deeply and think of him often, usually I smile and go about my day. Every once in a while, there are unpredictable moments when I’m overwhelmed by memories of him.
A few nights ago I stumbled on a youtube site where a guy spends his time rescuing old bulldozers. This guy was explaining how these old machines had two engines, the big diesel motor and a smaller gas motor which was used to prime the diesel engine. Instantly I was caught in a memory of sitting in my dad’s truck before sunrise on a cold winter day, watching him try to start a very old and worn out D8 dozer by spraying ether into the carburetor of the priming motor.
I stayed up for hours watching that video.
In addition to binge watching youtube videos of bulldozers, I find myself re-reading and listing to the works of Ernest Hemingway, my father’s favorite author. It started with Old Man and the Sea, then A Farewell to Arms. Now I’m listening to For Whom the Bell Tolls. I read all of his works in my teens / early twenties and though I enjoyed them at the time, other authors such as Joseph Heller, Charles Dickens, and Ken Kesey made a greater impression. By my late 20’s and early 30’s, i had left novels for non-fiction.
But in the past few years, I have put down the biographies and business books for more fiction. Unexpectedly, I.am enjoying the time spent lost in novels. It has helped awaken my creativity and even spurred me to start journaling again. As for Hemingway, I know as a person he has a mixed legacy. I know very little about his actual life, but I can get lost in his telling of Frederic rowing Catherine Barkley up a lake into Switzerland in the middle of the night.
I don’t know if I’m listening to Hemingway because i miss my dad, or because I like Hemingway and listening to him makes me think of my dad. Both? Regardless, I’m grateful for the warm thoughts of my father and I am finding Hemingway a great escape from the cold winter.

