For the past few days, my thoughts keep coming back to my oldest son. From my perspective, I see his current stage in life as one of those moments where his future path is being decided whether he is aware of it or not. Pivotal. He’s sixteen, finding his independence, considerably more mature than just six months ago, however he still has a very long way to go.

I don’t know my role as a father in this situation. Part of me wants to do things for him like I had to years ago when he was younger. Other parts of me want to let go of the wheel and let him find himself and make his own mistakes. I know the answer is somewhere between those two, but I don’t know where. At some point he will be entirely on his own. Me personally, I actively ran towards independence as fast as I could. My reasons were personal, but one big driver was the motivation to explore. I had a bottomless curiosity that seemed to override my desires for comfort and familiar. My son has a touch of this as I see it in him. However we are very different creatures and I think he is much more risk adverse than I ever was.

As a family, my wife has led sessions where he and I sit on the couch and talk colleges. As a second semester junior, this is certainly the time for him to engage in these conversations. While he doesn’t complain nor tune out during these family meetings, he is very much the passenger and not the pilot. I too am very much the passenger and my wife is doing the bulk of the work listing schools, looking up videos with pros/cons, asking him questions about likes/dislikes, etc. She’s frustrated at both of us for our passive participation. In my defense, I’m focused on my son, looking for any sign or signal that he has interest or is curious about something related to college.

Overall this process has not been much fun for any of us. I guess this is a sign of the times. Truly a first world problem. Compared to the other billions of people on this planet, we have all the resources, time, and ability to carefully select and send our son to a program where he can find his tribe and develop into a mature, engaging, and responsible member of our society. On one level any of the fifty schools we considered would work for him. The stress seems to originate from finding the “right” one, yet we don’t have enough information from our son to reasonably assess which schools would be a “better” fit. Part of me feels this marginal exercise is a waste of time and unnecessary stress. Pick 15 schools: five reach schools, five interesting schools, and five backups. Apply to all, await results, then visit the few that you get into. Pick one. Know that there’s no magic recipe and don’t stress over the process.

I don’t know how important college is nor how important it will be in the future for the world my son will live in. In my life, career, and experiences, I know it matters but not necessarily why. I know many successful people who didn’t go to college and many people who failed at life despite amazing college experiences.

Distilling the ideal college experience through my life, I want three things for my son in his college experience:

1) I want him to explore his intellectual and artistic curiosities. College is a well tested environment where you get exposure to new ideas and people without much negative consequences.

2) I want him to develop foundational habits and refined skills that are necessary for a successful professional career. This means being able to write well, speak clearly, and effectively communicate your ideas and thoughts with others. College is where I learned to write and think critically. This has paid massive dividends in my life and set me up for many great professional experiences.

3) I want him to find his tribe. We are social creatures and a good life means being surrounded by others we respect, love and appreciate. College should be a time to meet new people who challenge your beliefs but share your values. At it’s best, college is a crucible of talent, ideas, cultures, intelligence, and backgrounds. Few times in one’s life will you be surrounded by new people who are the same age and are open to new connections. Once you leave campus, the world of easy new friends starts to shrink. Looking back, I met hundreds of great people and found that part of the experience as my favorite. In fact, I met the most important, intelligent, and influential person in my life while at college. I can only hope that my son is as fortunate.