Quick setting. . . very warm and wet outside today. It’s a dark, rainy January day with storms looming in the distance. I’m sitting at Quills in Norton Commons awaiting a friend for coffee. I’m ten days into our annual dry Jan and a few observations come to mind: 1) I’m having vivid dreams every night, 2) my mind feels sharper than ever, and 3) my resting heart rate has not returned to my historical baseline, it has held about 5-7 beats higher than normal.

From a health perspective, I have been putting off going to see someone despite having reason to do so and the time to do it. I need a primary care doctor as I haven’t had one in years. My wife keeps nagging reminding me to see a dermatologist as there’s new moles and skin tags popping up everywhere (family condition). I haven’t had blood work in a few years and could benefit from getting an updated panel to see where my numbers are. I also still have fears that my aerobic performance declines in the past few months signal something bigger than just getting older. I struggle to maintain my run pace despite rest and strength training. As mentioned after the Flying Monkey in November, the decline was shocking and kinda scary. Nonetheless, there’s a background voice in my head that keeps saying, “you are fine, eat well, exercise daily, take deep breaths, and all will be OK.” Still, I ignoring my general health won’t make it better.

Professionally I have doubled down on my networking while trying to remain optimistic about the future. As my package from my last role is coming to an end, I have failed to secure a steady job with income. Also, other than canceling Hulu, I haven’t taken any other steps to cut back on our household expenses. Given our monthly burn rate, we will have to tap retirement accounts sooner rather than later if we choose to maintain our current spending. This gives me stress that I know how to address, yet like avoiding setting up a PCP appointment, my head remains buried in the sand.

On a positive note, my efforts to network have yielded some opportunities. I have two job interviews this afternoon and I also have a check in meeting with my consulting project client. With respect to the job hunt, I’m sticking to the mental model of being a 44 year mother trying to get pregnant one last time. The process consumes all of my time and emotions yet I don’t want to discuss it with others until that baby is going off to kindergarten. The mix of pity, unsolicited advice, glad I’m not you, and general sympathy others share in this journey though well intended is not helpful at all. I suppose it’s human nature, but during conversations when others ask about my search and situation, I see past their expressions and read “glad I’m not you” in their eyes. A better man wouldn’t care. . . but I do.

So when in discussion with others as I search for the next . . . thing, I stick to three general topics: 1) family/life updates – always safe and helps keep the bonds alive, 2) updates on former colleagues and other professionals with their careers – this is where opportunity lies and historically how i have stumbled into a job, and 3) what ambitions both professional and personal the other person is working towards. With respect to the the third topic, I learned long ago that it is better to get the other person to tell me their story versus sharing too much of my own. I don’t know if this is the best course of action but inserting a few of my thoughts into the conversation tends to have longer legs and put you in a positive light when the other person mentions you to someone in their universe.(especially someone who might want to meet/hire you). I borrowed this from Dale Carnegie years ago and it has worked for me in the past.

The biggest reason I’m not sleeping well right now is that I’m worrying about my family. Good worry for sure as my wife and sons are dealing with first world problems (grades, independence, social acceptance, professional challenges, etc.) but it is worry nonetheless. Forrest is accelerating into adulthood now that he has a driver’s license and has taken responsibility for both managing his schedule and getting himself to school/swimming. It’s been a hard week for him as he had his first fender bender on Monday while driving to school, Tuesday he overslept for morning practice, and Thursday he got his first parking ticket. This weekend he will learn about auto body shops and the life lesson that sometimes it costs money to get back to zero.

I think a lot about Wyatt at the moment too. He’s going thru middle school which isn’t a picnic for any boy but I recall struggling a lot with that era of life as well. I owe him more 1:1 time, preferably in a travel or exploratory setting. He and I spent a weekend in NYC a few years ago and I use that time/memory a lot to get through my days. I want more of that. Unfortunately, my professional and financial challenges keep me grounded from random getaways to urban adventures with my rapidly growing 13 year old.

I don’t know how I will feel about this period in my life when I look back in the future. Such a weird statement to write but all periods in my life are fair game for reflection. I hope that this moment leads to a better place and that I somehow find the exit to this purgatory stage, yet I also want time to stand still. I know that I will very much miss the days when my boys lived at home, family dinners were routine, and I could still run freely outside without pain. I both want change while keeping somethings constant. Best of times, worst of times.